The Five T's of Sex Scenes

Venus and Adonis by Titian

*** Warning: Graphic Discussion of Sex Ahead ***

Last week, we looked at basics for writing consent and how to word erotic scenes. This week, we examine a few mechanics.

This post is for the benefit of fiction writers and screenwriters. Movies and television get it wrong so often, it is cringe-inducing. When writing about satisfying sex, there are a few fundamental factors that are ignored, especially where the fairer sex is involved.

1. Timing

For a person to enjoy sex, it helps if the timing is right, not perfect, just mentally and physically conducive.

Directly after being raped, assaulted, and shot for instance is not a good time. Neither is having run for two days straight from bad guys to the point where you are brain dead and physically drained, covered in mud and blood.

There are people who enjoy make-up sex after an argument. That is not the same as expecting sex when your partner has just emotionally devastated you. Even if the misunderstanding is cleared up, a recovery period should be built in.

Non-sexual touch is skipped over, but crucial to rebuilding the connection so it feels safe to be vulnerable enough for sex. It could take days depending on the wound inflicted. Whatever you do, be sensitive and don't model abusive behavior.

2. Tumescence

Contrary to popular belief, women don't walk around in a constant state of arousal. Once aroused, the level of tumescence increases substantially. But the majority of women don't go from zero to ready in five seconds or less. It takes more than a guy saying "You're hot" to open the tap so to speak. 

Scenes where the guys shoves a woman against the wall, furniture, or stairs (dear heaven the back!), lift a skirt, and pump and dump for a minute are not erotic. It would be a dry hump and severely irritating.

Also, it is extremely difficult to be sufficiently lubricated while in water. This includes showers, hot tubs, pools, and - talk about a burn - salt water.  Don't get me started on alcohol- ouch.

3. Temperature

Cold hands may suggest a warm heart, but it is nearly impossible to bring your partner to orgasm with cold hands applied to her clitoris. And ice? Are you kidding me? In the middle of a snowstorm? Nope.

4. Tempo

Whether manual stimulation or penetration, rhythm must build to exploding fireworks. It takes more than five seconds. 

The desired overall rhythm is different for each woman, perhaps each encounter. Usually, starting off slow then increasing speed leads to a satisfying climax. The encounter should build to a crescendo. Wham, bam, thank you ma'am is not erotic, but it is depicted so often men think it is the gold standard. They don't know better if we don't tell them.

5. Touch

Touch is another highly personal factor: when to be soft, when to apply more pressure. Usually friction builds along with tempo. A light touch brings on the tumescence required for rising pressure and tempo, just like your sex scene.

Some films only allow a few minutes for its gratuitous sex scene and get right to the point, so to speak. *Shudder.*

When writing fictional sex, however, take your time and make it enjoyable for everyone.

The only way to reverse misinformation and psychologically unhealthy depictions of sex and intimacy is to start mirroring healthy encounters. Books, films, and television are often the sole source of information for young people. That's a tragic statement about our society's squeamishness when it comes to sex education. As a writer, hold yourself accountable. Be part of the change.

Here are a few articles on writing sex with sensitivity.

1. Writing Safer Sex in Fiction from Writer's Digest

2. Honest and Subtle Writing About Sex in Young Adult Literature from The Conversation

3. Rape Scenes Aren't Just Awful, They're Lazy Writing by Laura Hudson 

4. Writing Sex Scenes by Randy Susan Meyers

5. Healthy vs Unhealthy Relationships University of Washington

6. Roadblocks to Healthy Sex, Intimacy, and Relationships by Crystal Jackson

Writing Sex Scenes

Paul-Albert Besnard

A crucial question when writing any novel is "Who is your audience?"

Are you targeting the sweet and innocent Hallmark crowd or the full frontal erotica audience? It makes a huge difference in content.

The Romance genre is unique in that there are imprints with specific requirements, sometimes down to the page number when the characters first kiss. Even if you self-publish, it helps to understand reader expectations. The worst sin you can commit is to make a promise to a reader about the kind of story you are going to tell then break it. Don't promise cozy Christian and break out the whips and chains.

The foremost authority on the genre is, of course, Romance Writers of America. If you have questions about breaking into the genre, they are the place to begin.

The keys to tension in Romance are longing and desire, the wait to consummate, not the mechanics. In one of the most passionate love scenes I watched in a movie, the characters didn't touch. They came very, very close, but they knew it was forbidden and would destroy their lives. The heat they kindled in that fully-clothed, physically-restrained scene was scorching. You don't have to bare all to write passion.

Click to Tweet: In Romance, just like Mysteries and Thrillers, the tension lies in what comes before the "bang."

As for sex, so many writers get it wrong. The encounters read like letters to a men's magazine or suffer from purple prose.  Writers figure they know what sex is and writing about it is easy. Not so. In fact, in the age of #metoo and #consent and sensitivity, it has never been more important to get it right.

Here are a few articles on writing sex and consent with sensitivity:

1. How to Write Consent in Novels by Hannah Giorgis

2. The Romance Novelist's Guide to Hot Consent by Kelly Faircloth

3. Remnants of the Bodice Ripper: How Consent is Characterized in Heterosexual and Lesbian Erotic Romance Novels by Audrey Miles Malloy

4. Everything You Need to Know About Consent That You Never Learned in Sex Ed by  Zhana Vrangalova

5. From First Meeting to Sex: 12 Stages of Physical Intimacy from Parents Magazine


Here are a few books on writing sex scenes that can help you avoid purple prose.

1. "I Give You My Body . . .": How I Write Sex Scenes  by  Diana Gabaldon

2. Naughty Words for Nice Writers A Romance Novel Thesaurus by Cara Bristol

3. How to Write Hot Sex: Tips from Multi-Published Erotic Romance Authors by multiple authors 

4. Words and Phrases: Make Your Sex Scenes Sizzle by Sabrina Devonshire

5. Thinking Like A Romance Writer: The Sensual Writer's Sourcebook of Words and Phrases by Dahlia Evans

Next week, we will look at the Five T's of Sex Scenes.

For more on the topic:

List of Obstacles to Love 

List of Connection Points

Subliminal Messages in Romance

Sixteen Lovers Part 1 (based on personality types)

Sixteen Lovers Part 2

Sixteen Lovers Part 3

Sixteen Lovers Part 4

Check out the Build A Romance Workbook available in ebook and print.

16 Lovers Part 4

Casting Characters

This week, we complete our exploration of the character mannequins presented in Story Building Blocks II and Build A Cast Workbook. Remember, each mannequin has a male, female, transgender, or androgynous counterpart.

13. Cam

Cam wants to be admired for his intelligence and competence. His partner usually admires that about him, until he forgets he has a partner. Anyone who tried to control or demean him would be shown the door immediately. Cam isn’t looking for a permanent relationship, but honors his commitment once he is in one.

Cam is more focused on his inner world than the external one. He comes across as aloof. He is emotionally intense but guarded. His partner is shocked by how deeply he experiences emotion. His quiet confidence and reliability are appealing. He possesses keen insight into what makes people tick. He applies that information to his relationships. He thinks more than acts. He has a hard time reconciling the way things should be with the way they are. His distraction sometimes limits his awareness of his partner’s feelings, particularly if she doesn’t express them. He becomes overly structured or paralyzed when anxious. He may get so involved in his projects that he forgets his partner for a while. He avoids interpersonal conflict but loves to debate.

Cam does not need companionship enough to put up with abusive or unsatisfying relationships. He finds it easy to cut his losses and move on, having learned a valuable lesson. 

He may not express his distress. He represses negative emotions until they reach a breaking point. He enjoys thinking about intimacy and ways to make it better. He is creative and intense. In a negative relationship, he thinks about sex more often than having it. He tends to show how he feels rather than talk about it. He offers loving affirmations and gifts if his partner desires them.

14. Morgan

Morgan wants to be admired for his intelligence and competence. That usually happens, at least until his behavior makes those traits questionable. He considers a relationship a low priority. He prefers variety to permanence. Only external compression forces him into a long-term commitment. His relationships are tenuous.

Morgan is easily bored. He needs a partner that constantly engages and challenges him. He might experiment with BDSM as long as he finds it fun. He treats his relationship like any other experiment by asking what works and what could be improved. His partner might not appreciate being “managed” in that way. He eagerly adopts new activities and plans, but drops them as quickly. He means well, but his love of debate grows tiring. He carelessly throws out comments about what he might do. His partner might take him seriously. His risk-taking could create trouble for both of them. While invested, he is attentive, eager to explore, and enthusiastic. He neglects the relationship when a project takes over, whether it is an assignment at work or his decision to renovate the house. He isn’t in touch with his feelings and may be oblivious to his partner’s. If his partner states a need, he creatively attempts to fill it. He is prone to forgetting.

Morgan walks away if bored or restricted. His partner grows tired of his need to play devil’s advocate instead of just focusing on what needs to be done. He is spontaneous and resists routine. He is open to trying new things. Sex is a physical release not an emotional bonding experience. He offers a grand gesture, but can’t keep it up long term.

15. Lee

Lee wants recognition for her competence. She usually earns it. Things are fine until she steamrolls once too often.

Lee considers a relationship a low priority. She takes a commitment seriously once she has made it but often loses touch with her partner. Lee is dominating by nature. She would never consider being submissive.

Lee is emotionally aloof. She takes the lead and feels responsible for making things work. She has a lot to offer. She is dedicated, dependable, and hardworking. She holds herself accountable. She is creative and pushes her partner to explore his own dreams. If she decides something isn’t working, she unilaterally changes the terms of the relationship. It puzzles and alarms her partner. She is steady financially and values a nice home and creature comforts. She may never be home long enough to enjoy them. If her partner tells her flat out that she isn’t meeting expectations, she may try. Operating against her nature would not be easy. If there is conflict, she views it as a chance to learn and improve. She is confrontational by nature. If paired with a partner that avoids conflict and sees criticism as a personal assault, the relationship won’t survive. She may learn to temper her approach with her partner in the interest of making it work. She finds it hard to share power. A relationship would have to be based on mutual respect. She has to view her partner as competent. She expects him to be independent and to develop his own interests.

If she finds a relationship unsatisfying or her partner boring, she ends it and abruptly moves on literally or emotionally. She could become an abusive bully to a weaker partner. She doesn’t admire weak people enough to partner with them long term. She is creative and adventurous. She expects sex on a regular basis. She is self-confident. She has little patience with someone who is emotionally needy. She shows her love through her actions. Loving affirmations don’t mean anything to her. She isn’t interested in giving or receiving compliments or flattery. If partnered with a feeling type, it won’t go well.

16. River

River wants to be admired for her wisdom and desire for harmony. She usually is admired, unless her desire to be worshipped becomes obsessive. She would find BDSM sordid and ugly. She seeks a permanent and perfect communion of souls. Her intensity drives some types away. She goes from relationship to relationship in search of the ideal. She is vaguely dissatisfied with every partner.

River feels intensely. She needs constant feedback and affirmation. She wants a perfect relationship and her excessive probing to find out what is wrong is wearying. She works hard to keep the relationship alive. She bonds permanently and deeply. She is good with loving affirmations. She is generous. She is drawn to deep and complex partners. She comes up with creative solutions to conflict and is highly aware of her partner’s emotional state. She is protective and withdraws when she meets resistance. Her overly emotional approach irritates a thinking partner.

She becomes highly critical of her partner if he acts out or can’t be trusted. She blames him when things aren’t working. She represses her emotions and becomes vicious when she bursts. She stays in a relationship until she is sure it can’t be repaired. She moves on easily when it is truly over.

River views sex as a spiritual communion. She is in search of a soul mate. She selflessly gives to her partner. She is tactile and sensual. She struggles to state her case in person and may resort to an emotional letter.


I hope you’ve enjoyed our exploration of the mannequins as lovers.

For more about how to craft characters, pick up a copy of Story Building Blocks II: Crafting Believable Conflict, available in paperback and E-book and Story Building Blocks: Build A Cast Workbook, available in paperback and E-book.

16 Lovers Part 3

Casting Characters

If you missed them, last week and the week before, we began exploring the "love" styles of the sixteen temperaments. 

This week, we continue our exploration of the character mannequins presented in Story Building Blocks II and Build A Cast Workbook. Remember, each mannequin has a male, female,transgender, or androgynous counterpart.

9. Joss

Joss wants recognition for his intelligence and skill. He usually gets it, in the short-term. His derring-do draws them in, but eventually drives them off. He might enjoy experimentation. He places a permanent relationship at the bottom of his list. He struggles with routine and commitment. He thrives on new experiences and new partners.

Joss is exciting and intense for short bursts. He is the ultimate hard-to-get partner. He is the man or woman of action and few words. He resists routine and strict schedules. He hates being controlled by other people, particularly his partner. He spends a lot of time exploring his interests without his partner. 

He is happy to provide basic needs and the kind of dating behavior that keeps a relationship humming along. He isn’t free with his opinion, but open to someone else’s. He is in information gathering mode and may evade answering questions by asking more questions. This frustrates his partner when she needs a direct answer. He doesn’t feel he owes anyone an explanation and never asks for permission. 

He is protective of his emotions and avoids deeper feelings. His level of intensity can vary from day to day and that can leave his partner feeling unbalanced. He has problems with the traditional expectations of behavior.

All is fine until Joss becomes bored or the other person becomes too demanding or clingy. He moves on and won’t stay to fix it. He remains in a life-long relationship by taking it one day at a time. His partner is never entirely certain he’ll stay. His air of aloofness may draw his partner in, but could drive her away.

Joss views sex as recreation. He is sensual and enjoys experimentation. He is spontaneous, creative, and enthusiastic for as long as it lasts. He sets the mood and makes it fun. He loses interest if it becomes routine. He breaks up and makes up for the novelty it provides.

10. Kelly

Kelly wants to be admired for being the life of the party. He usually is — at first. He might participate in anything once. He isn’t looking for a permanent relationship. He has trouble honoring a commitment once he makes it. His relationship is on the bottom of his priority pile.

Kelly is enthusiastic. Life with him would be quite a ride, full of ups and downs, and lots of spinning. He is extremely charming and superficial. He offers his partner the world and she attributes him with a big heart. He loves life. He makes those in his orbit love life too. The problems start when his partner realizes he can’t make a plan and stick with it.

Kelly has a problem with commitment and behaves in ways that are detrimental to the relationship. He is shocked when his partner objects. As soon as he is restricted or bored, he finds someone else to play with. Kelly considers sex as a physical carnival ride. He makes things exciting. He is a sensual lover. He goes for the big moments, once in a while. He is oblivious to the emotional content. If his partner needs emotional closeness to feel loved, she probably won’t get it. She may tell him and he may try, but he can’t sustain it. He isn’t good with positive affirmations. He won’t grasp the neediness of a feeling partner. He is master of the grand gesture, but grand gestures aren’t always enough.

11. Greer

Greer wants recognition for his competence. Since he is usually competent, he receives it. When he forgets to take care of things around the house, his competence might be questioned. He isn’t looking for a permanent love connection. He honors a commitment once made, but may not remain emotionally present.

Greer takes his relationship seriously and analyzes it much like he analyzes everything. He is low-demand and easy to get along with. His problems stem from the lack of emotional engagement and low need for social interaction. He would not be natively drawn to BDSM. He isn’t big on traditional trappings. He can’t relate to high-needs people. He is straightforward and honest. He won’t play games or manipulate his partner. It is hard for him to open his heart and he retracts at the first sign of danger. He feels passionately, he just can’t verbalize it. Of all the types, he is the hardest to have a relationship with. It’s a good thing he is a rare bird.

He usually runs at the first sign of messy complications. He avoids conflict and deals with it in an analytical way, ignoring the emotional component. He defends his commitment by saying, “Of course I love you. I’m here aren’t I?” If his partner reads him as distant and disengaged, she might move on.

Greer is imaginative and loving, but not overly demanding. He is quick to sublimate his needs or loses track of them when focused at work or on his hobbies. His intense passion may not be apparent to his partner. He isn’t in tune with his partner’s emotional life. He misses the hints and emotional cues she exhibits. His displays of affection may be out of sync with his partner’s desire for them. He isn’t good with the positive affirmations and praise some types need.

12. Taylor

Taylor wants to be appreciated for her goodness and service. She usually is, unless her efforts become toxic. She might go along with BDSM for a while. Taylor consider a permanent relationship a high priority. She is warm and committed. She wants her partner to be happy, so she sacrifices her wants and needs to make sure he is. She blames herself when things go wrong and criticism chips away at her self-esteem. If the relationship fails, she walks away thinking she was defective. She bounces back and tries again. She works hard to keep a relationship together. She is sensitive to her partner's emotional needs. She is very social and works to make her home a great place to entertain.

Taylor won’t walk away unless a serious core violation occurs. She could walk away over it, but tends to stick with unhealthy relationships where she does all the giving. She hates conflict and ignores her partner’s slings and arrows to avoid it. She gives in rather than extend the fight. Ignoring problems turns them in to bigger problems that eventually become explosive.

Taylor is enthusiastic and creative. She is warm and fun. She sees sex as a direct expression of her love. She works hard to make her partner happy and doing so makes her happy. She pencils it in as often as she needs to. She won’t express her own needs. She needs loving affirmations, but won’t ask for them. She is hurt when the sweet words aren’t forthcoming.

Next week, we will meet the final four.

For more about how to craft characters, pick up a copy of Story Building Blocks II: Crafting Believable Conflict, available in paperback and E-book and Story Building Blocks: Build A Cast Workbook, available in paperback and E-book.