Mastering the Romance

Whether you are writing a swoon-worthy Romance novel or incorporating romance as a layer in other genres, building a believable relationship is crucial to success. As some of the following articles relate, there are areas for improvement in terms of the depiction of healthy relationships.

Here are some tips on writing Romance.

Romance Subgenres

Romance Skeleton

Is it a Love Story?

Dressing Up Your Romance

Romance: Points of Connection

Obstacles to Love

Sixteen Lovers Part 1

Sixteen Lovers Part 2

Sixteen Lovers Part 3

Sixteen Lovers Part 4


Working with Romance

Writing Sex Scenes

The Five Ts of Sex Scenes

The Antagonist Role in Romance

Bad Guys in Romance

Bad Romance

The Trouble with Romance


Subliminal Messages in Romance

Story Building Blocks Build A Plot Workbook: Romance is available in ebook and print.

The information on genre can also be found in the book Story Building Blocks The Four Layers of Conflict in ebook and print editions as well as on my website 
www.dianahurwitz.com. Much of the material from my Story Building Block books is available in my blog posts and website along with free forms:

Sixteen Lovers

Romance Points of Connection

Obstacles to Love

The Five T's of Sex Scenes

Venus and Adonis by Titian

*** Warning: Graphic Discussion of Sex Ahead ***

Last week, we looked at basics for writing consent and how to word erotic scenes. This week, we examine a few mechanics.

This post is for the benefit of fiction writers and screenwriters. Movies and television get it wrong so often, it is cringe-inducing. When writing about satisfying sex, there are a few fundamental factors that are ignored, especially where the fairer sex is involved.

1. Timing

For a person to enjoy sex, it helps if the timing is right, not perfect, just mentally and physically conducive.

Directly after being raped, assaulted, and shot for instance is not a good time. Neither is having run for two days straight from bad guys to the point where you are brain dead and physically drained, covered in mud and blood.

There are people who enjoy make-up sex after an argument. That is not the same as expecting sex when your partner has just emotionally devastated you. Even if the misunderstanding is cleared up, a recovery period should be built in.

Non-sexual touch is skipped over, but crucial to rebuilding the connection so it feels safe to be vulnerable enough for sex. It could take days depending on the wound inflicted. Whatever you do, be sensitive and don't model abusive behavior.

2. Tumescence

Contrary to popular belief, women don't walk around in a constant state of arousal. Once aroused, the level of tumescence increases substantially. But the majority of women don't go from zero to ready in five seconds or less. It takes more than a guy saying "You're hot" to open the tap so to speak. 

Scenes where the guys shoves a woman against the wall, furniture, or stairs (dear heaven the back!), lift a skirt, and pump and dump for a minute are not erotic. It would be a dry hump and severely irritating.

Also, it is extremely difficult to be sufficiently lubricated while in water. This includes showers, hot tubs, pools, and - talk about a burn - salt water.  Don't get me started on alcohol- ouch.

3. Temperature

Cold hands may suggest a warm heart, but it is nearly impossible to bring your partner to orgasm with cold hands applied to her clitoris. And ice? Are you kidding me? In the middle of a snowstorm? Nope.

4. Tempo

Whether manual stimulation or penetration, rhythm must build to exploding fireworks. It takes more than five seconds. 

The desired overall rhythm is different for each woman, perhaps each encounter. Usually, starting off slow then increasing speed leads to a satisfying climax. The encounter should build to a crescendo. Wham, bam, thank you ma'am is not erotic, but it is depicted so often men think it is the gold standard. They don't know better if we don't tell them.

5. Touch

Touch is another highly personal factor: when to be soft, when to apply more pressure. Usually friction builds along with tempo. A light touch brings on the tumescence required for rising pressure and tempo, just like your sex scene.

Some films only allow a few minutes for its gratuitous sex scene and get right to the point, so to speak. *Shudder.*

When writing fictional sex, however, take your time and make it enjoyable for everyone.

The only way to reverse misinformation and psychologically unhealthy depictions of sex and intimacy is to start mirroring healthy encounters. Books, films, and television are often the sole source of information for young people. That's a tragic statement about our society's squeamishness when it comes to sex education. As a writer, hold yourself accountable. Be part of the change.

Here are a few articles on writing sex with sensitivity.

1. Writing Safer Sex in Fiction from Writer's Digest

2. Honest and Subtle Writing About Sex in Young Adult Literature from The Conversation

3. Rape Scenes Aren't Just Awful, They're Lazy Writing by Laura Hudson 

4. Writing Sex Scenes by Randy Susan Meyers

5. Healthy vs Unhealthy Relationships University of Washington

6. Roadblocks to Healthy Sex, Intimacy, and Relationships by Crystal Jackson

Writing Sex Scenes

Paul-Albert Besnard

A crucial question when writing any novel is "Who is your audience?"

Are you targeting the sweet and innocent Hallmark crowd or the full frontal erotica audience? It makes a huge difference in content.

The Romance genre is unique in that there are imprints with specific requirements, sometimes down to the page number when the characters first kiss. Even if you self-publish, it helps to understand reader expectations. The worst sin you can commit is to make a promise to a reader about the kind of story you are going to tell then break it. Don't promise cozy Christian and break out the whips and chains.

The foremost authority on the genre is, of course, Romance Writers of America. If you have questions about breaking into the genre, they are the place to begin.

The keys to tension in Romance are longing and desire, the wait to consummate, not the mechanics. In one of the most passionate love scenes I watched in a movie, the characters didn't touch. They came very, very close, but they knew it was forbidden and would destroy their lives. The heat they kindled in that fully-clothed, physically-restrained scene was scorching. You don't have to bare all to write passion.

Click to Tweet: In Romance, just like Mysteries and Thrillers, the tension lies in what comes before the "bang."

As for sex, so many writers get it wrong. The encounters read like letters to a men's magazine or suffer from purple prose.  Writers figure they know what sex is and writing about it is easy. Not so. In fact, in the age of #metoo and #consent and sensitivity, it has never been more important to get it right.

Here are a few articles on writing sex and consent with sensitivity:

1. How to Write Consent in Novels by Hannah Giorgis

2. The Romance Novelist's Guide to Hot Consent by Kelly Faircloth

3. Remnants of the Bodice Ripper: How Consent is Characterized in Heterosexual and Lesbian Erotic Romance Novels by Audrey Miles Malloy

4. Everything You Need to Know About Consent That You Never Learned in Sex Ed by  Zhana Vrangalova

5. From First Meeting to Sex: 12 Stages of Physical Intimacy from Parents Magazine


Here are a few books on writing sex scenes that can help you avoid purple prose.

1. "I Give You My Body . . .": How I Write Sex Scenes  by  Diana Gabaldon

2. Naughty Words for Nice Writers A Romance Novel Thesaurus by Cara Bristol

3. How to Write Hot Sex: Tips from Multi-Published Erotic Romance Authors by multiple authors 

4. Words and Phrases: Make Your Sex Scenes Sizzle by Sabrina Devonshire

5. Thinking Like A Romance Writer: The Sensual Writer's Sourcebook of Words and Phrases by Dahlia Evans

Next week, we will look at the Five T's of Sex Scenes.

For more on the topic:

List of Obstacles to Love 

List of Connection Points

Subliminal Messages in Romance

Sixteen Lovers Part 1 (based on personality types)

Sixteen Lovers Part 2

Sixteen Lovers Part 3

Sixteen Lovers Part 4

Check out the Build A Romance Workbook available in ebook and print.